Imprint c. 1987

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Why does this big, silly world ever surprise me?

“Do you wear banana clips? – 36

I love how banana clips look with long hair. Drop me a line if you rock them. I’m an attractive, fit, professional, SWM. Please be intelligent, fit, and attractive.”

The math is simple here:

12 year old boy + accessory accentuating a feminine focal point (in this case, long hair) = lasting sexual imprint. Ta-da! Check this space in 24 years for several gentle inquiries for smart, fit, attractive women who regularly sport jeggings. It is our destiny as a species.



Grandeur (of the delusional variety)

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Is this mad libs for online dating?

“Upper West Side story – 37 (Upper West Side)

Elegant, eclectic and accomplished gentleman seeks a majestic, brilliant and sensual woman for the most majestic of romances.”

Seriously, no pressure, right? It’s not enough to be a smart, sexy, confident woman seeking romance. Nothing short of *majestic* will do for this dude. What does Miss Majestic wear to bed? A brocade number with a stiff Elizabethan neck ruff? The complete skin of the rare white lion? Cripes–they aren’t going to carry it at Victoria’s Secret. That’s for damn sure.

Someone is elevating their importance in the universe. I hate to drag out the DSM-IV for every occasion, but sometimes my hands are tied.

Wacky Professor Types: Look No Further

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This sassy woman made me swoon a bit.

“Nice Jewish boys- this one’s for you – 48 (Denver soon)

CL can be tough. Especially when one is from Berkeley, California. I am planning to permanently move to the Denver area. Would like to meet some nice middle aged wacky professor type to make my move more interesting for the long run:). I am working on being overeducated myself, and consider it a forgivable flaw in others. In turn, I can guarantee your life will get more interesting with me in it. Looking for quality, stability, beauty and humor and can offer the same in a hwp package.”

What I wouldn’t give to be in a book club with this little number. If her inbox isn’t flooded with befuddled scholarly types tripping over themselves to welcome her to the lovely state of Colorado, then I will lose my faith in humanity for the last time. You can all twist in the wind–this time I mean it!

Pithy, good-natured, adorable, unpretentious–this is like pure CL gold. Someone needs to hit this and then write us back and tell us all about it.




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Know what I’m craving? A simile employing fruit.

“Women are like apples on trees, – 41 (San Francisco )

the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don’t want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.

Just looking for a cool “top apple” to hang out with.

I’m single, white, blue eyes, in shape, friendly, professional guy.

Please include a pic.


Thanks. My turn now. Personal ads are like annoying sounds. The ones with cock pictures looking for random unpaid hook-ups are like jackhammers. Duh. Ads looking for the ubiquitous LTR and lousy with romantic clichés sound like the squeaking of breaks when they need replacement. Personals looking for some random kink are like a siren–you can’t help but gape and get out of the way. Finally we have the ad that is worthy enough to post in this very spot. It sounds like a chainsaw immediately followed by a falling tree–perhaps even an apple tree.

$ign of the Time$

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Let’s see–those Hummel bells and Thomas Kinkade prints didn’t move so fast on eBay. What else can I do to scare up some cash?

“Rent – A – Mom – 70 (palm beach county)

Would you like to have a conversation with an encouraging, kind, cheerful,
mom. Do you miss your mom? Did you not have a mom? Please tell me
about yourself. This is not about sex. “

It’s official. Nothing is sacred. I almost wish this post was about sex! No I don’t. Still, what makes elderly moms so appealing is that they unconditionally care about what their kids have to say–they just want their kids to call them. After Murder She Wrote.

Could there really be a market for this? Chatting with old ma here is probably cheaper than therapy. Now that I give the matter the carefullest consideration–what a cutting-edge supplement to retirement! The geriatric mother experience:  kindness, understanding, and a birthday card every year.


Lip service

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No need to hit the caps lock on ‘big labia’, dear. We all read you loud and clear.

“Got Personality? Got Looks? Got BIG LABIA?

I’m a single male, smart, great personality, funny, good looking, fit, and successful, who seeks a single female who has similar qualities BUT also has what most women are insecure about and most men dislike… BIG LABIA! (labia minora)… it’s not everything, but definitely something I desire in the complete package. All those qualities along with big labia are not easy to find so I figured I’d post an ad and see what happens…

Email me and put “I’m BIG” as the subject so I know you’re real…”

[In loud whisper] There she is: the elusive female with the large and lovely labia minora. So rare on the island of Manhattan. Most are euthanized at birth. Should she be lucky enough to survive the torments of childhood, she often meets an untimely end in an unfortunate escalator mishap.

I wish they all could be Whole Foods-shopping girls

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If you cast a wide net…

“To every girl in this Whole Foods right now – m4w – 23 (6th and Lamar)

why aren’t we dating yet”

…you may get the attention of one girl. Alas, this is a girl who frequents Trader Joe’s oftener than Whole Foods, and her attention is of the mocking, finger-pointing variety.

How to nauseate Jesus

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Sometimes I get distracted and forget to have that second crucial cup of coffee. If this happens I can find myself wondering (as I wondered when I read the personal below) why someone would post content seemingly unrelated to seeking that special someone. Special is, of course, open to interpretation. The answer, which I have now posted on my refrigerator, is always the same: Every post is meant to close the deal. The deal can be a date,  marriage, or sex, or some graphically perverse subset of sex. Whatever.

“A Letter – 35 (North Austin)

to the man my wife loves,

if it seems odd for you to read these words, please believe me when i tell you that it feels just as odd to write them. then again, nothing about this letter feels normal. there’s so much i want to say, so much i want to tell you, and when i first put pen to paper, everything was clear in my mind. now, however, i find myself struggling and i’m not sure where to begin.
i can start by saying this: i’ve come to believe that in everyone’s life, there’s one undeniable moment of change, a set of circumstances that suddenly alters everything. for me, that moment was meeting my wife. though i don’t know when or where you’re reading this, i now it means she loves you. it also means she wants to share her life with you, and if nothing else, we will always have that in common.
divorce is a strange business, and i’m not going to bore you with the details. though it’s a cliche, it’s true that so many of the things i once believed to be important no longer are. i find myself reflecting on the essential moments of my life. i think about my wife and how beautiful she looked on the day we were married. she’s my dream and my companion, my lover and my friend. she’s my ideal wife. i can’t describe the comfort i feel when she put her arms on my neck when i drive, or how i look forward to lying down beside her at night. there’s an unshakable humanity about her, a faith in the goodness of life, and it breaks my heart to imagine her alone. that’s why i’ve asked her to give you this letter; i thought of it as a way of making her keep her promise that she would find someone special again –someone who loves her, and someone who she could love. she needs that.
i want you to do something for me. if you love my wife now, then love her forever. make her laugh again., and cherish the time you spend together. take walks, curl up on the couch and watch movies beneath a blanket. make her breakfast, but don’t spoil her. let her make breakfast for you as well, so she can show you she thinks you’re special. kiss her and make love to her, ans consider yourself lucky for having met her, for she’s the kind of woman who’ll prove you right.
i’m not jealous or angry that i’ve been replaced by you. you’ve made my wife happy, and i wish i were there to be able to thank you. instead, all i can do is assure you that you have my everlasting gratitude.”

As I put finger to keyboard, I can see clearly that the purpose of the letter above was not to give a blessing to the new man in his estranged wife’s life. Jesus Himself would find it difficult to deliver that blessing without retching a bit. Are people capable of great acts of forgiveness and compassion and selflessness? You bet they are. But do these people display their noblest wares in a Craiglist personal for men seeking women? Uh huh. I call bullshit. Here’s what I wonder: Did this guy even deliver this letter to his replacement? Does he have that special carbon copy paper where he could keep a copy of this letter as a memento of the time when he was his noblest self? Or did he transcribe that letter into a Word document after putting “pen to paper”? The only purpose of a letter like this is to impress the one he lost or the one he wants to find.

Slithery, sir. Very, very slithery.


The Fountain of Youth

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This is the fourth ad posted by the same guy today. He was kind enough to include a picture. But even if he didn’t provide the pic, I would recognize him immediately from his airy lowercase approach to life. He enjoys lots of space between his thoughts. Oh yeah, and in his latest digest we find out he’s been to prison. Seven times. In this state anyway.

“still looking – 39 (tenderloin)


iam 6’1″ or so, 220 lbs, with blond hair and blue eyes

I am seeking beauty and truth……………..are these thing mutually exclusive?

I am a karaoke fool

I am 39 now…………….looking younger than I am because I have been to prison 7 times in this state for theft( I have no strikes and do not have to register for anything, if you know what this means)

I just moved in to the TL, by my choice borne of necessity

are you a REAL female between 18 and 50

are you single and looking?

send me info and pix and I will respond in kind

only respond if you are real, however

where I use the comp, most all social networking and porn type sites are blocked……………..keep this in mind when contacting me, if you do

I am real, I am not a bad looking guy, and I am all being honest and true today

I am on parole for another 8 months as long as I continue to be a good boy

it has been a struggle, and I am tired of being alone

I have not BEEN with a woman for a long time now and I have much built up inside of me just ACHING to be released!

contact me if you want a real guy”

Prison has anti-aging effect? This is something I did not know! You mean that instead of slathering on the prohibitively expensive Creme De La Mer every night, I could hold up a liquor store and maintain my youthful appearance in the clink?

What seems to ring true time and again is that people eventually (and usually quickly) tell you who they are. If they state somewhere that they are a narcissist, and it seems like a clever joke, the joke is on you because that was full disclosure. That was them feeling you out to determine if you are naive enough, or masochistic enough to move forward.

What troubles me is that it took ad #4 to disclose the prison bit. What if some poor lamb responds to ads 1, 2, or 3 and never gets a chance to find out about the crucial details of #4 until the first date…or even later? Gulp.

The Tenderloin is not a nice neighborhood in San Francisco. In fact, the name of this neighborhood is full-disclosure at its finest–whether the name stems from ‘hazard pay’ to cops patrolling its streets or an allusion to the soft underbelly of crime–you have been warned.

By the way, I think the Tenderloin has a new slogan for tourism: The Tenderloin–My choice borne of necessity.


Try, try again. And again.

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The title is train-wreak-y. Oh yes, and the content confirms my suspicion. Is being tall, thin, blue-eyed and highlighted truly a get-out-of-single-prison card?

“I’ve got two strikes on me but… – 39 (Vancouver)

I’m still stepping back into the batters box. I refuse to believe that although it hasn’t worked for me twice already…. that my one true love isn’t out there somewhere. I’m told I am very good looking, I’m tall, thin, very blue eyes and highlighted hair. I am a mother of the most beautiful and wonderful children around.
I just got out of a very bad marriage and haven’t been looking due to that, but lately, I’m feeling the blues really bad so I figure, what the heck..I’ll post something. I’m not about to post a pic as I don’t want my maniac of an ex to see it and give me grief about it.

Here’s part of my requests:

Don’t smoke….anything
Be tall and good looking
Have a great sense of humor
and have your head on straight….job, morals, enough money to treat ME to a date.

If you kept reading after I said I won’t post a pic, kudos to you…. email me and let’s see what happens…if we connect, then great, we can exchange pics. If not, alright…. have a good night! Alright? Alright.”

I’m not naive. In life pretty people are often imbued with characteristics they don’t actually possess by the stricken saps that get sucked into their orbit. These same saps will practice some serious self-delusion to make some kind of relationship work–even if that relationship involves nothing more than moving lots of heavy furniture for the object of desire. So in the event that you missed some finer details with the promise of a perfect BMI and a nice dye-job, let me help you review the most train-wreak-y points of this personal.

1. Led with a baseball metaphor.

2. Implies she has been married twice.

3. Has children and doesn’t specify how many.

4. She JUST (as in recently!) got out of a bad marriage. Don’t let the use of the ambiguous words that follow (“haven’t been looking” and “lately”) derail your good sense. She needs some time to sort out what went wrong. Reflect. Make some considerable space between her last relationship and you because, apparently…

5. The ex is a “maniac’.

6.  Her stated impetus for placing this ad is “feeling the blues really bad.” As in, “a relationship will get me out of this funk.”  Or, “I need distraction from the very real, very necessary, and very scary contemplation that I hitched my wagon to a psycho.”

7. Not included in her extensive (though incomplete) list of requirements from you is intelligence.

8. There is no immediate proof she is pretty. Based on the absence of other defining characteristics, I’m gonna go out on a limb that she *is* pretty. . .

9. …for a 39-year-old.*

*Of course 39 is still young and vibrant and quite capable of being pretty. But if we are only considering beauty (and so far, Batgirl has only mentioned her physical attributes), there are firmer, clearer-eyed, and less chemically-processed examples who are more deserving of your abandoned good sense.